How to Become an Optimist for Good?

What are your habitual thoughts when something stressful happens? What do you say to yourself?

How do you explain it to yourself? Is this self-judgment or self-encouragement you express? Do you use pessimistic or optimistic explanatory style?

Psychologist Martin E.P. Seligman, the father of positive psychology has spent decades studying what is called explanatory style. Explanatory style simply put is the manner you habitually explain to yourself why you experience a particular event, either positive or negative.  

Your explanatory style is what determines whether you're an optimistic or a pessimistic thinker, which impacts your health, longevity, stress level, success, and overall wellbeing.

If you generally tend to blame negative events or yourself, believe that such events will continue forever, and let such events affect negatively many aspects of your life you might have a pessimistic explanatory style. Self-judgment, the belief that something is wrong with us, that we are not worthy of love is an example of pessimistic explanatory style and triggers self imposed stress. For many women leaders this fundamental lack of security may translate into chronic stress, anxiety, depression, addiction, and burnout.

Conversely, those of you who generally tend to blame others for negative events, believe that such events will end soon, and do not let such events affect too many aspects of their lives display what is called an optimistic explanatory style.

In order to reduce a great deal of stress and be even more successful in your personal and professional life you might consider stopping a self-blame and self –judgment for good and transit from being a pessimist to live as an optimist.

How to dispute pessimistic negative thoughts and learn to argue with yourself?

Take a minute to think back to the last time something negative and stressful happened. An argument with somebody, you failed an important presentation, having problems at work? Think about the situation and write the thoughts you had about why it happened.

Did you like that little nagging negative pessimistic voice inside your head telling you that you were a failure and things were NEVER going to change for you? It’s hard enough to experience a stressor, but adding insult to injury with a pessimistic explanatory style is like putting a salt on a wound.  

According to Seligman the best way to turn away from being a pessimist and become an optimist is to learn a set of skills about how to talk to yourself when you encounter stress, be it a pressure at work, a difficult co-worker, a traffic jam, or any personal failure.

In order to change something we need to be aware of it though. This means that the first step is to start by paying attention to your self-sabotaging negative pessimistic thoughts. We are so used to them that they have become unconscious part of us and we need to start consciously paying attention in order to ‘catch’ them. It would take some time. Be patient. You might find using a thought/stress diary useful. Only when you are aware of your negative thoughts (beliefs) you can start changing them and eventually become an optimist. Without awareness of your thinking style, it is impossible to start making better decisions. 

When you are aware of your pessimistic negative thoughts (you notice them every time they pop up in your mind) you can start disputing them looking for the evidence, alternatives, and usefulness.

• Evidence

NOTHING I ever do seems to be right/Things are ALWAYS going wrong for me/Why is it ALWAYS my fault?/EVERYBODY thinks I'm dull/stupid/boring.../It ALWAYS happens to me/I will NEVER get the hang of it.

Ask yourself - what is the evidence? Search for evidence pointing to the distortions in your catastrophic explanations. Am I seeing things as they really are or could there be another explanation?

• Alternatives

Almost everything that happens to you has more then one cause.

What alternative views are there? How might someone else view the situation (my friend, partner, etc.)? Was my assessment changed because I was tired/upset/stressed? What evidence is there to support an alternative view?

Your job is to undo your destructive thinking style and become skilled in generating alternative thoughts even if it could feel sort of awkward as you start your transition from pessimist toward optimist.

• Usefulness

Does this thought help or hinder me? Is thinking this thought actually solving or achieving anything for me? Is it functional for me to think this way right now? Would it be better if I thought more positively and optimistic?

• Additional questions to ask yourself

Am I being over-dramatic and "all or nothing"?/Am I condemning myself on the basis of a single action?/Am I ignoring my strengths and thinking only of my weaknesses?/Is it really my fault?

Am I taking it personally for no real reason?/ Am I looking at the black side unnecessarily?/Am I exaggerating the importance of the situation?/Am I expecting the worst when it may not happen?/Am I worrying too much about what people may think of me instead of being myself?/Am I assuming I can't change the situation?/Am I predicting the future from one small incident?

Learning to live as an optimist and love ourselves is a journey. Please, be patient with yourself because it might take some time.

If you need additional help along the journey consider holistic stress management coaching with me as your coach and change partner. Coaching will put you on a fast track toward the change you aspire to make and will exponentially shorten a transition curve from you being a pessimist to become an optimist for good. You are your most important asset and as a woman leader you don’t have time to waste.

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